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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
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4:27 pm
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You can't steal that away from me, I thought.
I backdated this but I realize that there are a lot of people who could still read this unintentionally who have nothing to do with it. This is between you and me. I can't do anything about everyone who's gonna see this. You need to and where else am I supposed to put it?
My first reaction to you listening to that today was
NO.
THAT IS MY SONG WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO STEAL THAT AWAY FROM ME.
You've stolen my whole world away from me and you are NOT, dammit, NOT getting OUR SONG TOO.
...I thought.
But that's just a gut reaction from the past, isn't it?
It's okay now. She's started watching us again. My life has gone back to normal. Visible. Utari and Hama-chan's PVs we were all in have really taken off. Kaoru-kun's gone off on his own for a while. You-kun's really hurt, and he and Tsuu-chan wrote a song to try to bring him back Hideyuki-style. Giishi's quiet as usual. Zoi-chan is trying to help Yoshi and Paul find Minyou-san. Jiyanu and I are doing well. Our Africa fund with Sanami's management has raised so much money and we've been mentioned even in international magazines. Things are really pretty good.
Not that you know what any of that means, but.. you would have been one of ours, right..? This was going to be your life. If there hadn't been somewhere far better suited to you.
We never left. She just couldn't see us anymore. She couldn't see us for over a year of our lives, but it's okay. We can be seen again. I'm not upset anymore. I don't have to come off as this bitter, hateful guy who just deeply resents your existence and does nothing else with his time.
I do know, I realize that it wasn't you. That if I'm going to blame anyone, it should be Kiyo. ...No, right, it should be NS, I guess, I know, I'm just stubborn, whatever... But at least if you have any blame in this, Kiyo does too and he does first and I haven't been fair for putting it all on your shoulders. The thing is that this whole uhm... muse awareness or whatever.... well okay. I'll get into it.
I feel confident that I'm writing this. But we're not like you. Anything ever written involving us is something NS wrote down based on seeing us. She took our actions, our dialogue, and she wrote it all down. You write with your own voice. Like I was starting to when you showed up. I was starting to try I guess this muse thing. Being aware of NS's world and interacting with it. But then you came in so strong and suddenly all I had to say on that level was Get him away from my boyfriend.
And yeah yeah. I know. We talked about all this. You weren't ever after him, it was just meaningless flirting, he liked it you were never a threat blahblahblah, but like I said, he's very, very susceptible, okay? I didn't know for sure that you wouldn't try to really get with him but I sure knew he'd go right ahead and let you. I have a reason to be protective and all. And yeah. I said all this to you already, didn't I... And yeah, he and I have talked..
But anyway.. Kiyo didn't have all that muse awareness kinda stuff. Even though NS's focus on his world put us up on the shelf, he stuck to his own world. And back then, so did I. I didn't have this understanding that I do now. That all the rest of this really exists. Yeah, we all knew NS ne. We all knew that what NS experienced made a difference in our own lives through some weird filter, and we knew that what we went through affected her a ton, even helped her out a lot.
But that's really all I want to know, I've learned. You kinda showed me ne. That I like things how they are. There's my world, and NS watches it. And that's it. Sore de ii. I don't want anything more. Kiyo is the same. He really is still here, somehow. We'd both just be happy to be watched. ..No.. Kiyo doesn't even want to be watched.
And then there's you, Mr.Prima Donna.. is what I guess I used to think. But maybe it was Fiona who pointed out to me that actually, you and our queen have some things in common. But you don't have some of his nastier qualities. You don't go after the people you hate, make efforts to ostracize them, which I admit, he does. When people don't like you, you want them to, you make an effort to change their opinion.. but when people don't like him he shuns them and makes sure everyone else does too. And I'm saying this about someone I truly care about..
And.. I know you go through a lot. So... what I'm trying to say is.. go ahead, ne. Take the song. Use it if you want to, if it helps you.
We can get along. We now see that our worlds can co-exist.
...I just went back to read everything I'd ever written in this journal and...
You used to hit on me?!?!?!?!!?
It's funny the things we don't remember, isn't it?
Because I don't... I just remember being so angry at you when you went after Jiyanu and... maybe you never did that either... Oh... I don't know... >___<
I give up. I totally give up!
Live your life, Masa. I'll even help you if I can. I guess. I know you're not trying to mess with mine. Mine is back. It's gonna take forever to catch NS up but it's back. I want her to reread everything. I want her back in touch. Of course, she worries about getting disconnected from you and your crew if she does. But we've proved it to her it doesn't have to work that way. We can go on and you can go on. Sharing space together.
You've said it seems so much more crowded in here, ne. This is what, to me, it's supposed to be like. Get used to it. We can work it out. You have people to be with and help. She'll need us in the background, if not the foreground when it's our turn.
You've heard, haven't you, that you would pass Zoi-chan's litmus test for sure. You're likeable enough, and you'd adore him, and that's all it takes in his book. You'd be in, but I wouldn't want you here. I wouldn't want you purring at people and wreaking havoc. And you'd probably be stunned like NS is seeing us again, discovering just how very uhmm... incestuous? everyone is here. Ugh, I mean, not like sibling-love or anything, but so many people have been with maybe three to five other people around here. Jiyanu included of course. ...... me included of course.... But my situation's different! What? It is!!
I don't want you in my world, so I should be glad you're not.
These people you talk about who disappear, are going to disappear, do they really? I've never known anyone to disappear. Just... people stop seeing us, for whatever reason. Sometimes it makes no sense. NS always wanted to see us... she just.. didn't.
Okay, maybe it's that I was afraid of you getting near Jiyanu even if you didn't very much. Because I absolutely see him wanting you. I couldn't deal with that, couldn't at all. Oh, now I'm remembering. Remembering you flirting with me. Ugh. Just don't do that.
But... live your life. I'm not angry anymore. I'm okay now, because my world is okay. And maybe it's not so bad that NS missed so much. Because honestly, it was really really hard for Jiyanu and me. I was away from him for so many months at Berkeley. He could only visit so often, and I had to focus on my schoolwork. She can always go back in time. She saw some of it anyway.
....She should go back in time.
Actually.
She should fill in that hole. I want her to see. Everyone says I'm so adult-like now. That time away made a big difference. I was involved in so much. So much happened, just nothing really happened with the original group ne. Zoi-chan, Kunzaito-sama, Kentaro-san, Brett-san, Yoshi, Paul-san, Minyou-san, Shana-san, Akemi, their lives really plodded along. They were all just working so hard.
Well. She can find out ne. And she should. She should find out. I want her to know, to remember..
I don't really want to know about you. Your Gakubaby, your Totchibunny, your You-kun whose name is pronounced differently from ours, your Tarou-chan, Ren-chan, all these names, I don't really want to know. They're not my world. But... I'll listen.
current music: love song
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| Wednesday, June 5th, 2002
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12:31 pm
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Hi everybody!! Uhh... NS is not feeling well today, it seems like she had a bad day. She's grumbling to herself in the corner... So she decided to let me have the computer for a few hours, seeing as she has recently realized that I am actually the best candidate currently for alter ego status.
This Live Journal thing is really neat... Maybe I'll make one of my own! Uhm, so, my name is Naoto and I'm in two jpop bands on vocals and guitar... We have gotten really successful lately and life has been very exciting.
Hmm... what should I talk about... My boyfriend. Yes my boyfriend Jiyanu... I love him more than anything else in the universe. He is so wonderful and sweet and caring and... uhh... forgiving. Yes very forgiving. It has been a very difficult relationship, because well, I kinda idolized him for years and years before I met him... Yeah we really are ten years apart in age, I was still just a teenager when we started dating. His ex-boyfriend and my band members who love to embarass me set us up and somehow he's managed ever since then to tolerate me. I love him so much! He's vocals and guitarist like me.. He has a very slim body and looks hot in anything especially the skin-tight tank tops he loves to wear. And he has this gorgeous wavy hair that tapers from brown to black. He can seem very shy around people, because he's a quiet person and doesn't really like to talk about much... I get really frustrated with him cause he refuses to have deep conversations... He likes to just talk about music, really everyday stuff, have sex and watch me fall asleep (this is because sex really really exhausts me... ^^;;). We get into fights really easily.. But we have amazing nights too when we just completely click and I never want to let go of him ever... I love him, wow do I love him.
Toudai...
People here are so politically apathetic! I'm the treasurer for the... well you see it would be like a student government organization, but we have no student government. ^^;; It's more like a club trying to get a student government to happen. But anyway I make speeches all the time and all people ever want to know is when my next concert's going to be or what's the new time for Cloud and Rie's radio show or are You-kun and Giishi actually a couple... Uggh, I have had enough of this. Are they listening to anything I say about stopping the new militarism or increasing our involvement in peaceful humanitarian aid?! No, they just want to see me strip and kiss my boyfriend. Look that's all fine and well, I will do that on Tsuu & Ryo's music program any week, but we are talking about a serious challenge to the Constitution going on right now and where are Japan's young people?!??! Hello
The fact is, Toudai is just a machine for putting out cog-like bureacrats and politicians. I should know, they put out my dad. x_x But I did meet Sanami here, and it's thanks to her that my band was able to put together this fund to help this village in Africa... Oh yeah that's right!! Please everybody buy our new album!! Remember 15% of the proceeds go to the people of... Oh like you all really care. You just want to see me and Jiyanu give you fanservice... *sigh*
NS: ...go. away. you. are. too. fucking. perky.
Naoto: That was perky?? Wow are you in a mood...
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| Sunday, May 26th, 2002
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1:51 pm
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BIG OL' SCREAMIN' HUGE DISCLAIMER
the author of this journal does not exist in what you would consider to be the real world. please do not stalk him, decide he is your only friend, or fall in love with him. should you email him you will get a reply from him, but consider yourself sufficiently warned.
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nwo_naoto's journal